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Ramblin' Roses and Flyin' Bricks
"You have written about every thing else under the sun," a friend told me, "so how about writing a column on how to get rid of company, both at home and in the office." Well, sir, I can sure do it, but I do want my good friends who visit me at both places to know that nothing said herein applies to them in any way. It won't hurt anything for them to go ahead and read it, however. First, let us consider how to get rid of company in the home. This presents a real challenge, because it takes an unlimited amount of tact and diplomacy to accomplish the desired result, retaining at the same time, the graciousness of the perfect host or hostess. Let us assume that you were out late the night before and that you had a particularly hard day of work. You had, perhaps, planned to look over the papers, watch television a few minutes and then go to bed early for a good night of sleep and rest. But in comes company and you can tell right off the bat you're in for a rough night. Years ago prolonged yawning, followed each time by the old standby saying, "It's not the company-it must be the weather," was generally effective, but it was considered very rude and frowned upon in polite circles. Besides, some of the visitors didn't have enough sense to take the hint. The yawning method has been replaced in recent years by more adroit and yet polite methods. If you have a 7-year old son or daughter let them recite their part in the school play, followed by a selection on the piano or a prolonged ballet dance. If any of your children play the violin, cornet or trombone, let them oblige your guests with a few selections. This not only gets ride of them for that one night, but for all nights in the future. The showing of home movies is very effective if you are fortunate enough to own a movie camera and projector. These outfits actually pay for themselves many times over. However, if you don't have the facilities for home movies, family albums are excellent for driving guests home early, especially if you explain each picture in detail. Like, "now here's a picture of Aunt Emily the year we went to California. She's an aunt on my father's side. She's very wealthy and simply adores the children and she doesn't have a soul to leave her money to and we just hope-well, we shouldn't talk like that but after all..." Go into detail on each picture. Don't leave out a single solitary thing, and then, when your guests start looking at each other and wondering if they left the range on or forget to put the car out, just casually ask your wife to bring you that other trunk full of snapshots made that year you went to Texas. All of a sudden that range has got to be turned off and that cat put out. The Official Loafer Now, suppose we take up the question of the office visitor who has no business to transact. He is the worst kind and sometimes it is necessary to resort to near-insults. He should, of course, realize you're busy, because if you weren't you would be off fishing, hunting, playing golf or worrying somebody else in their office. To pretend you're absorbed in work doesn't help a bit and it's quite a problem to get him to leave. Unless, of course, you know how, like I do. Here's how: When he first walks in and you find out he doesn't want to buy anything, slap him on the back and make out like you're tickled most to death to see him. Make him take a good chair, offer him a cigar and tell him you were just fixing to call him. Tell him you've been giving a lot of thought to the right man for President of the PTA and you figure he's just the one. All of a sudden you'll see a boring loafer transformed into a powerfully busy man, who really would like to help in the PTA work, but... That's kind of taking advantage of a man, but, like I say, you must resort to stern measures to get them to leave. If none of these suggestions work, keep this paper around the home or office and the next time company comes in, ask them, casual like, it they've read this column.
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