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Ramblin' Roses and Flyin' Bricks
Takes Magazine There's another fellow who comes around once a year selling subscriptions to a farm magazine. On account of me being so prominent, he always comes to see me first and in addition to getting the magazine a whole year, I get a map of the United States and its possessions, an extra large map of Alabama showing its rivers, streams and mountains and picture of all the Presidents of the United States. On the back is a table showing the number of pints in a gallon, and so on and the population of all of our principal cities. It's a good deal, although I never have time to read the magazine and I don't need the map because I already know the way to Hal's Lake. I already know how many pints in a gallon and as far as I'm concerned George Washington was the last President who wasn't a politician. On account of being prominent like I am, though, I feel like I should continue taking the magazine. While he claims he only calls on the outstanding citizens in each town, I did notice that after he left my office he started talking to a Mississippi truck driver with a load of watermelons and roasting ears. Political aspirants come around to see me about six months before an election and tell me they're out talking to a few "influential citizens" in each town to find out whether they should run or not. In a case like this, always tell 'em to run. They're going to run anyway. Don't ever let 'em know you're not influential, either, because they might get elected and there's no telling when you'll have a cousin or somebody in jail you want to get out. To Whom It May Concern Another time it's bad to be prominent is when people need letters of recommendation. In the last 30 years I must have written a thousand. The applicant, in my letters always "comes from a splendid Christian family" and is invariably "honest, industrious with a fine personality." The lying I have done! Some of the folks I have written letters for and bragged on would rob our cash drawer while I'm writing the letter and some of 'em are so lazy they wouldn't get out of a rocking chair to kill a snake. Of course many of the people I write letters for are very deserving and everything I say they are. The reason I write the same letter for all is because I want to help the deserving ones and others I want to get out of town. In many other ways, though, I'm not so prominent. I'm powerfully un-prominent with highway patrolmen, game wardens, automobile insurance companies and people who loan money.
However, I'll be glad to write you a letter. Let's see. You come from a splendid Christian family and . . .
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