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Ramblin' Roses and Flyin' Bricks
This automobile gear-shifting is becoming more and more of a problem. Every now and then somebody asks me if I don't want to drive a while. Well, sir, I get under the wheel and start looking for the right buttons. You start some of the cars by turning the key way over to the right and stepping on the starter; some you turn the key to the left and don't step on anything. On some of 'em, you push a little button on the left, or maybe it's on the right. Finally the owner tells you what to push or step on and then, after you get the car started, you have to figure out the gear shift, which is quite a problem. You either move a leaver or push a button on the new cars. They took out the clutch pedal and made the brake pedal wider so you would have something to step on when you tried to push the clutch. Taking out the clutch pedal cost the manufacturers quite a bit of money so they raised the price of the cars a hundred dollars. It was the same way with tailors. They left the vest off men's suits and raised the price twenty bucks. It sure costs a lot of money to save on something. Dumb feeling If the car manufacturers keep putting buttons on cars, a fellow will have to take a special course in engineering to drive one of the things. I don't mind driving somebody's new car if they just wouldn't look at me like they think I'm mighty dumb when I can't find the right button right off the bat. If a car has a radio, heater and air-conditioner extra, the dash looks like the inside of an atomic powered bomber. Something should be done about traffic regulations in cities. In some places you can turn to the right on a red light and in some places you had better not. Some cities want you to drive fast and get out of the way and others want you to poke along. Some of 'em don't care what you do as long as you don't drive over a policeman. The typewriter people should get together and all have the same kind of ribbons and the stapling machine manufacturers, it seems like, could work out a system whereby any staple would fit any machine. Here at the office we have a number of good staplers without staples and a large collection of staples without machines. There are two kinds of devices made for holding up men's sorts. One of the snapoff type and the other employs the use of buttons. You wear the snap-off kind until you get accustomed to the jerking motion and then you put on a pair of buttons, which you also jerk on, absently-mindedly, and buttons fly all over the place, which is bad for old bachelors and married men. Lucky that time Zippers, too, can act up every now and then, when they refuse to zip up. Here a few weeks ago I had to walk four blocks with unzipped trousers and the only thing that saved me was a daily newspaper which I used as kind of apron. The next time I might not have a newspaper. Too, there should be a kind of standard perfume - one not too strong and not too light. There's a lady from out of town who comes in our office every now and then and we think she buys the outlandish smelling perfume she uses in drum lots. Maybe her water system is collected with it in some way. When she comes in all the hired help starts gasping and their eyes get red and their noses start running. They let up the windows and open the doors and fan the air with newspapers and sometimes it's two or three days before they start acting normal again. I'm telling you it's something awful.
Yes sir, what this country needs is uniformity. Not too much, you understand, but just enough where we won't get bored.
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