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Disecting the western
Lots of people think all Westerns are just alike, but they are certainly wrong. There are three distinct plots, as follows: (1). Where the villain knows the railroad is coming through certain property and he kills the owner and tries to take the land away from the beautiful daughter. (2). Where the villain knows there is oil on an owners land and he kills the man so he can take the land away from the beautiful daughter and (3). Where the villain has been stealing the ranch owners cattle, gets caught and kills the man so he can keep on stealing cattle from the beautiful daughter. Gets There Late The hero always get to town right after most everybody gets killed, which is very unfortunate, but it doesn't take him long to get things straightened out and save the few remaining people. He rides into town with a buddy, who is kind of simple but plays a guitar real well which comes in mighty handy on account of the hero has to have some kind of accompaniment and you can't make music just spring up from nowhere all of a sudden. Of course, the guitar music grows to a full orchestra about the second stanza, but it comes in sort of gradual like. This hero spots the villain pretty quick after he gets to the saloon on account of the villain has a mustache and he's got beady eyes and a smirk. In fact, the villain is smirking all the time he's making out like he's a respectable businessman. A smirk is a dead giveaway, but the beautiful daughter, who's father got bumped off, doesn't know how dangerous a mustache and a smirk can be and she's about to marry up with him. The villain and the hero take an instant dislike to each other, but the villain convinces the girl that the hero is actually the one that shot her Pa and she doesn't know any better until a few days later when the villain ties up the hero and the girl in a barn and lights a fuse with enough dynamite to blow up everybody in Wyoming. The guitar player comes along just in time and sets them free and they get out of the barn just in time to see planks go every which way. I'm still hoping, someday, the dynamite will go off before they get out. Head For the Hills The hero gets on his horse, which happens to be right handy and didn't run away when the explosion went off, and he heads for the hills where the villain has a hideout. They shoot at each other from behind some rocks but they don't aim real good and nobody gets hurt much. All the film companies use the same rocks on account of they aren't far from town. I know every rock out there and which one the villain is going to get behind. Finally, the villain makes it to an abandoned house and brother I want you to know they have a knock down, drag out fight. Nobody knows why, but both of em throw away their guns and they have a knocking-on-the-head for about ten minutes. The fight is over when the hero is hit over the head the third time with an oak chair. If you think an oak chair won't hurt you you just ain't ever been hit with one, but the hero is kind of thick headed anyway and he doesn't seem to mind. The hero won't hit the villain when he's down and out, but he does hold him up and sock him once or twice more. I never did see much difference in hitting a man when he's down and holding him up and knocking him down again. Personally, I had rather be hit when I'm down on account of not having to fall the second time. Wagon Wheels About that time the beautiful girl drives up in a wagon with the wheels turning backwards. The movie folks have developed sound, Technicolor, 3D and Cinemascope, but they still haven't been able to do anything about wheels turning backwards.
The hero and the girl look at each other like sick cows because they don't believe in kissing in Westerns. They think the small fry will think they're sissy if they kiss, so they just say goodbye and the hero rides off rolling along with the tumbling tumble weeds, leaving behind the beautiful girl, 3,000 head of cattle and an oil field. Kind of stupid, ain't he?
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