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A tale of our lost tails
Dr. Mason Trupp, a Tampa neurologist, said he tested his theory on 175 nervously disturbed patients by cutting loose the normal rigid end of the spinal cord. It seems that this small part of the body is the vestigial remnant of the tail once possessed by man's remote ancestors. That's what the doctor said. It's mighty hard for me to believe that some people are nervous because they don't have a tail like their ancestors had way back millions and millions of years ago. In fact, I even doubt if they ever had a tail regardless of what our learned authorities say. Somebody probably dug up a skeleton of an ape and they figured it was a man. Actually, there's not much difference, except that apes don't have to make monthly payments on washing machines and television sets. Many complications Dr. Trupp said that the tailbone, which once was a moveable part of the tail itself, sometimes has a bad effect on the spinal cord and may cause paralysis of parts of the brain. I'm certainly not going to argue with the learned doctor, but I'll bet we would have even more "nervous cases" if everybody had a tail. It would sure cause a lot of complications and lots of embarrassments, too. For instance, everybody's tail wouldn't be exactly alike. Some would probably be bushy and some might not taper out like a nice tail is supposed to taper out. Some might be hairless and it would be awful to be bald-headed and baldtailed too. On top of all that, consider the television angle. You would have commercials advertising a special king of tail-dressing or tail-polishing. They might even have a quick home permanent for tails. There would probably be tail-oil for the well-groomed man. Actually, I get kind of nervous even thinking about what could happen. The isolation booths would have to be re-designed. On top of all that, modern song-writers would have something to work into the crazy songs besides moons, stars, eyes, lips and stuff like that, and if songs get any crazier we're rally going to have a lot of nervous disorders around the country. No Charge Made Of course, I don't blame Dr. Trupp for coming out with that statement. He was looking at it from a medical or scientific angle and he probably never had time to make a complete study of the thing like that, and I'm mighty glad to be able to contribute this enlightening paper to the Southern Medical Association without charge. When you get right down to it, there aren't as many nervous cases in the country as we might think. Lots of people just seem nervous because they're in such a hurry. Lots of time they have just thought about a time payment they forgot to send off and they wonder if the man has come for the automatic dishwashing. Maybe they see a salesman with a briefcase and they think he's from the revenue department. Half the people we think are nervous are just plain scared.
By the way, if people had tails, I wonder what electric tail-shavers would look like? Probably be on the order of a pencil sharpener. I'm getting nervous myself now. Wonder if Dr. Trupp knows a good psychiatrist he could put me in touch with.
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