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Ramblin' Roses and Flyin' Bricks
A few weeks ago a record company offered me 12 longplaying records with short parts from all the great classical tunes. I couldn't pronounce the names of half of 'em. I didn't fall for that particular offer, figuring I could get by with "Sugar in the Morning" without it costing me anything. This week I got a card that topped 'em all. It is possible the card said, for me to get a hand-colored Coat of Arms of the Tucker family. It is beautifully executed in water colors - on a fine, heavily antique paper measuring 8x12 inches and is complete with shield, helmet, mantling and crest, with the name in Old English placed below the bearing. The heraldic description is included with each painting and they also include a bibliography for tracing particular family lines. All work, they say, is based upon careful research. For ten bucks I can get all that information, plus the Coat of Arms. Not on the List After I got that card, I set out to make a list of things I either wanted or needed. The list started off with a new automobile and wound up with a wiggle-worm bed and nowhere among the foolish things I put down in between did I mention a Coat of Arms. I reckon I can get by without one of those things as well as anybody in the whole United States. I can get by powerfully well, too, without tracing my ancestors. I like to think of 'em maybe as good, conscientious and friendly people but if I started out to track 'em down, I would probably find that half of 'em wound up in Texas after stealing a horse. Lots of those who stole a horse and didn't make it to Texas probably died of a tight feeling around the neck, commonly called rope-itis. These Coats of Arms are pretty silly looking things anyway. Most of 'em I've seen have a spear, a shield, a sword, a horse with wings and a rampant lion stuck on 'em some place. If the Tucker Coast of Arms has a rampant lion on it I sure would send it back in a hurry, because us Tuckers have always been scared as hell of lions. Especially rampant lions. Phoney, Maybe To start with, you never know whether stuff like that is authentic or not. If I should order one, which I'm not, and they sent me one, which they aren't, with a picture of a fishing pole, a hound dog and a fat 'coon on it, I sure would keep it and I'd figure those folks were personally acquainted with my ancestors. A shade tree and a hammock down in the right-hand corner would make it look even more authentic. Lots of times we're better off not knowing too much about our ancestors. When I was very young one of my uncles said that one of my grandfathers was once Governor of South Carolina, I don't remember which. For a long time I was right proud of having a governor in my family, but here lately I never mention it, and if anybody else mentions I tell 'em there wasn't nothing to it and point out how easy it is for malicious lies like that to get started.
Most of the ancestors of the people of the South were run out of England for either not paying their bill or for joining the wrong church ad they left in such a hurry they didn't take time to pick up their Coasts of Arms. I'm not going to send over there now and get something they didn't think enough of to bring with 'em. I'm still just a little curious about what yours looks like, though, and if any of you Tuckers ever buy one, I sure would like to take a peep at it. I'll still bet four dollars it never had no lion on it, though.
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