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Ramblin' Roses and Flyin' Bricks
Another thing I'm hoping to see is for the hero to kiss the beautiful girl, but I recon that's too much to wish for. Instead, he kisses his horse and rides off. The reason he kisses the horse, they say, is because the small fry don't go in for kissing girls and if he does they drop him like a hot potato, thinking he's a sissy. It sure is bad on the horses though, and I'll bet they get powerfully tired of it. The horse would be completely justified if he bit the hero's ear off. At least the bad men do go in for kissing. The Fights They Have Another think I never could understand about the Western fights is why the hero, who has pistols buckled all over him, will stand up and slug it out for five minutes with a desperado. Why doesn't he go ahead and shoot him and get the thing over? Here lately I can always tell when there's going to be a barroom fight. The first thing you'll see is a long tale where a group of bad men are playing cards. Above them will be a gorgeous chandelier. The first thing the bad man does is to shoot out the chandelier, which is why the thing is up there in the first place. Then the hero shoots at the bad man and the bad man shoots at the hero. Well, both of 'em see they can't hit anything, except the chandelier and a row of whiskey bottles, so they throw their guns down and brother, I'm telling you they have it! That's where the table comes in. The hero hits the bad man and he staggers back 20 feet and slides down the table. The hero rushes in, like an idiot, and the bad man catches him with both feet right sock in the belly and kicks him slap across the saloon. Then the bad man rushes the good man and he gets the dickens kicked out of him too. In the meantime, if anybody tries to help out either side, they get hit over the head with a whiskey bottle. Well sir, when all the bottles are gone and the table is torn to pieces and the chairs are all broken up the hero lands about three punches in rapid succession and the bad man, his face bruised and bleeding, finally staggers out of the saloon. But don't you worry, because he's going to bushwhack the hero right after the commercial. The Way To Die Some of the regular television programs have to be cut in order for them to be shown in the 30-minute period. The way they work the Westerns, though, is to either add a little more horseriding or take a little away. If they're running ahead, they let the horses make three bends down the road, with both sides blasting away with their special type pistols, which do not have to be reloaded. Finally, though, they all stop and fight the thing out on a rocky hill, which I know just like a book on account of that's where they have all the hill fights. There are two ways to get killed in a Western gun battle. You can fall over real dead-like or you can fall and tumble down the hill a hundred yards. I always liked the tumbling death on account of it lasts longer. After the fight the hero and his good buddies ride down the road together toward the setting sun and all of a sudden a 40- piece orchestra will spring up from behind a cactus plant or someplace and they all join in singing about a tumbleweed. He goes back to town where he kisses his horse and waves good-bye to the beautiful girl. All I can say is that the wrong side won.
Now that we've got a satellite up in the air, maybe our scientists can figure out a way to keep the wagon wheels from turning backwards in the Western pictures. They had sure better be working on that before the Russians beat us to it.
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