Ramblin' Roses and Flyin' Bricks
Be nice to candidates
The late Earl Tucker

March 5, 1958 Now that all the candidates have announced for the various offices I can tell 'em what I wanted to tell 'em when they first asked me what I thought of their chances of getting elected. On account of most candidates are good about buying coffee and doing nice things for people, I certainly didn't want to say anything that might keep 'em out. Now that they're already in and a lot of people have promised them their support, you couldn't pry 'em out with a 10-foot crowbar.

One of the bad things about being a candidate is that you have to be so careful about what you do and say. A fellow like me can get drunk in front of the post office at high noon on a Saturday and nobody will think much about it, but a little shining around, it'll be the topic of conversation at the Wednesday afternoon sewing circle for the next six months. From now until election day they'll live in glass houses. On top of that, if they don't do anything bad, somebody will tell a lie on 'em anyway.

Offer sympathy

However, the ones who get elected are the ones I feel sorry for. They have to keep on living in glass houses, while the defeated ones can go ahead and enjoy life. Sometimes I think we expect too much of our elected officials. If they go back on a campaign promise we're ready to crucify 'em. We forget that they, after all, are nothing but individuals, and have as much right to lie as we ordinary citizens.

We feel sorry for poor President Eisenhower. He carried his wife to a beauty resort in Arizona in his private plane and the public let out a howl. It's hard to satisfy people. It wasn't too long ago that the public felt kind of mad with one of our Presidents because he wouldn't take his wife to a beauty resort. That's the way it goes.

We expect the children of our preachers to be a little better than ordinary children. We overlook the fact that a preacher can't get out in the backyard and whip his children and have 'em screaming bloody murder at the top of their lungs. About all a preacher can do is to take his children in a room, close all the doors and windows and give 'em a mild sort of punishment. There just ain't anything that can take the place of a good backyard thrashing.

Dumb Scientists If a fellow is known as a genius, we expect him to act like a genius all the time, overlooking the fact that he might prefer to act dumb on occasions. When a scientist is interviewed on a television program, the MC always asks him when it will be possible to send a man on round-trip to the moon. If the scientist doesn't know, we viewers figure he ain't much of a scientist.

I have been called (among other things) a humorist. Last week in Albany, Ga., where I was waiting to give my informative and brilliant speech entitled, "The Day Before Yesterday as Compared With Next Tuesday Week," a very charming lady walked up and asked me if I weren't the humorist. I stuttered around and kind of answered that I was.

"OK, if you're a humorist, say something funny."

Well sir, I was completely baffled and I couldn't think of anything to say, funny or otherwise. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she didn't consider me about the un-funniest man she ever saw.

So, you see how it is. Be nice to candidates, even if you're not going to support them. They have a pretty hard time out campaigning. They have to brag on ugly brats with running noses and they often trudge across hot and dusty fields to see a farmer in the south 40 who, it turns out, can't even vote.

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