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Understanding boxing
I got to thinking, though, how much I could have enjoyed the song if I had only known what she was singing about. It could have been a happy song or it could have been a real sad song and not being able to understand it, I didn't know whether to be happy or not, so I turned over to another channel to watch some Indians getting shot up. Now, in order to help others who might find themselves in my predicament, I'm going to attempt to explain boxing so that everybody can enjoy it. Like it is now, most women can't stand it and consequently they refuse to let their husbands watch it. What the trouble is, women just don't understand what's going on. I suggest that you male boxing fans read this column aloud to your wives in order that your Wednesday and Friday nights might be a little more peaceful. Back-rubbing To start with, the television announcer tells you all about shaving soap or razor blades depending on the night and then the ring announcer introduces a bunch of former champions who would like to get another fight on account of they're hungry. After this the referee calls both fighters to the center of the ring, which isn't a ring at all on account of it's being square and he tells 'em they are both familiar with the boxing regulations of the particular state, but he goes ahead and cites the regulations anyway. While this is going on the handlers are rubbing the backs of their respective fighters. They do this to calm their boys down, like you do a racehorse, except that some of the boxers are so old they have already been calmed down. After this the boys are instructed to "shake hands and come out fighting." If you ask me, it's a pretty sorry handshake they exchange and a politician sure wouldn't get anywhere shaking hands like that. The handlers then put mouthpieces in their boy's mouths. Contrary to what most people think, these rubber devices are not to protect the boxers but to keep them from saying bad words over television. Actually, they go ahead and say the bad words, but on account of the mouthpieces it is impossible for the audience to know what they're saying. The boxers understand it perfectly, though, and when one says something like "Ugh blub glub dotch," the other ones comes back and says "Ugh dough another glub dotch." This I cannot translate due to the narrow-minded policy on the part of the post office department. Which means . . . It is very important that boxers understand each other, even when they are not exchanging blows and epithets. Every now and then you can hear one of them say, "Blue jou new otch ground bonna bit blocoutch?" Translated, that means, "Which round am I supposed to get knocked out in?" Boxers do not mind ending sentences with prepositions. Each round is fixed at 3 minutes with 1 minute of rest between. It is fixed that way so the television announcer can tell you about shaving lotion. If a fighter is knocked down the referee starts counting and if he reaches the count of 10 before the prostrate opponent gets up, it is called a knockout. They adopted the count of 10 on account of that is as high as most referees can count.
I certainly hope this brief explanation clears up some of the things women might not know about boxing and I am delighted that I could perform this service for the benefit of married men.
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